Cultivating Courtesy in the Profession: Dan Gibson’s Campaign for Kindness
Dan Gibson, a partner at Stam Law firm whose practice focuses on appeals and civil litigation, is an advocate for kindness and courtesy in the legal profession. Gibson writes about how attorneys can further an atmosphere of professional courtesy, and he celebrates everyday encounters with kindness. His posts radiate optimism and an enthusiasm for making the field the best that it can be. What inspired him to raise awareness about kindness in the profession, and how is he advancing professional courtesy? Read the article below to find out.
Gibson is a 2015 graduate of Wake Forest University School of Law. He has been recognized as a Rising Star by Thomson Reuters and Business North Carolina lists him among their Legal Elite for Appellate Practice. He was lead counsel in Mitchell v. Boswell, which established that mediated settlement agreements must be signed by the parties; Routten v. Routten, which established judges’ authority over parents’ visitation rights; and Janu v. Mega Hospitality, which held judges cannot rule on motions not properly noticed for hearing. He was co-counsel in Fearrington v. Greenville, which found Greenville’s red-light camera system violated Article IX of the North Carolina Constitution. Gibson has filed amicus briefs on behalf of the John Locke Foundation in Singleton v. N.C. Department of Health & Human Services, Pinnacle Classical Academy in State of North Carolina v. Kinston Charter Academy, and Professor John Orth in NAACP v. Moore. He is the NCBA Appellate Practice Section Communications Chair and recently co-led a CLE presentation on Collegiality in the Profession with Amy Funderburk.
One kind act has the power to lift a stranger’s heart. One gracious word is often remembered long after it is spoken. One kind person can do a world of good and can bring good to the world.
Dan Gibson is someone who believes in what kindness can do. In part, he has this faith because others have helped him in both small and large ways throughout his career.
For Gibson, kindness is an integral part of professional courtesy, and he seeks to incorporate that courtesy in his practice and life. He is committed to talking about this topic because courteous words and actions benefit attorneys, their clients, and the profession. When attorneys are courteous, these words and actions can lead to a positive impression of the field. On a more personal level, being kind to someone can create a ripple effect, where the person extends grace to someone else, and as this continues again and again, countless lives may be touched.
Receiving kindness from others has prompted Gibson to strive to be a kind person and to spotlight moments that are hallmarks of professional courtesy.
How did he become interested in writing about the power of professional courtesy?
It all began with a professional friendship. Gibson met Amy Funderburk in 2018 when he was representing the New Hanover County Board of Education in an appeal at the North Carolina Supreme Court, where Funderburk was the Clerk of Court. They later connected on social media. After Funderburk shared a post on the topic of mental health in the profession, Gibson read it and later reposted it. To her post, Gibson added that he has personally known friends who had experienced mental health issues. Gibson encouraged other attorneys to be kind by sharing a story of Funderburk extending kindness to him during one of his cases at the North Carolina Supreme Court. Counseling and kindness to others can have a positive impact on oneself and others.
In Gibson’s post, he wrote, “Our profession can be brutal – but it is what we make it. It is rarely costly to us or our clients to be decent to each other.”
As the post gained traction, Gibson realized this topic was one that he wanted to pursue because of how it might encourage others. He had been searching for an avenue to share his voice, and in particular, his thoughts on how important courtesy is.
This was the perfect route.
“I like legal writing and stuff like that, but those markets are really well-covered on LinkedIn, and I don’t feel like I have a whole lot of unique perspective to add. But, I thought, I can write about how we can make our profession better and how we can just treat each other better. And that post really blew up.”
Funderburk’s post sparked his interest in writing about kindness. But even before Funderburk’s post was published, she had demonstrated what professional courtesy looks like in action.
Gibson recalls this moment when Funderburk went out of her way to help him.
At the time, Amy was serving as Clerk of the North Carolina Supreme Court, and Gibson was representing a client there.
“There is a big story of how Amy saved my bacon at one point. There was a case that I was getting ready to argue at the North Carolina Supreme Court. Ten minutes before the case was going to start, I said to Skip (Stam), my partner, ‘Hey, I’m going to go use the bathroom one last time.’ And Amy shook her head at me or something. She did something to let me know that was a really bad idea, and 30 seconds later, the justices walked in.
“It was something that really didn’t take a whole lot of effort, but it saved me a whole lot. It would have made me look like I was late. So I posted about that on LinkedIn, and it got a reaction. Honestly, I was surprised that it got as much of a reaction as it did. And ultimately, Amy and I started messaging back and forth.”
Funderburk’s thoughtful gesture resulted in a friendship, which later led to the chance to serve together. They shared their mutual interest in this topic with their section by co-leading an NCBA CLE in April. This is only one example of how an act of kindness can continue further than one ever imagined.
Gibson hopes that by writing, he will empower others towards courtesy, which will propel a larger movement in which attorneys make the profession all that it can be. This is especially important given the demands of an attorney’s job, and the potential challenges one faces – challenges that have been making headlines in recent months.
“There was a Washington Post story published in March of this year about law being the most stressful profession to be in. The stress of being a lawyer – I get it. Clients fail, people lose money and so on and so forth, but a lot of that stress, I think, comes from the way we treat each other. Because our profession is whatever we make it.
“So much of law is attorney-to-attorney interaction, or attorney-to-judge interaction. I feel like we as a bar need to be saying more and encouraging each other to treat each other better, but also, when our colleagues are not treating people with courtesy, being like, ‘Hey, what’s going on? Why are you doing that?’ If it becomes a pattern of behavior, saying, ‘Don’t do that.’ I don’t want to have colleagues that treat people that way.”
The extraordinary impact of professional courtesy can be monumental, yet courtesy itself is achieved in simple, ordinary ways.
For Gibson, each day is an opportunity to make a choice that falls either under the category of kindness, or its counterpoint.
“If we go back to the classic American embodiment of what we want lawyers to be, that sort of Atticus Finch, I can’t imagine Atticus Finch bullying anybody. That’s not the sort of profession we want to be.”
Indulging in the opposite of kindness may be a temptation for anyone at any time, but setting that impulse aside has many benefits. Just as kindness can have a ripple effect, so can its opposite, and a small choice to act with courtesy might play out in a significant way in the long run.
Gibson has personally observed this to be true in his life: you never know what might happen after you choose to act with kindness in mind.
A few days after Gibson’s first post on professional courtesy, the Court of Appeals decided one of the cases he was litigating. Gibson shares that in this case, he had a difficult relationship with opposing counsel.
As he was reading the court’s decision, Gibson realized that one of the emails he had written to opposing counsel was included in the written decision, accessible for all to read.
He could not have been more surprised or glad that he had chosen the route of courtesy.
“The Court of Appeals ended up block quoting an email that I had sent where I was trying to be as professional as I could be. They put that email in their public opinion. So now, if you go find the opinion, my email is in there.
“One of the things that I said is that I always tell people when you’re writing an email, especially when you’re writing an email to someone that you maybe don’t have a good relationship with, it’s always a good idea to think, ‘What’s going to happen if the judge reads this email? What’s the judge going to think?’ I’m almost taking it a step further. Now, this is in a published court opinion, and anybody who looks me up on Lexis, or Westlaw, or whatever they’re using, can find this email that I wrote. I was not expecting that when I wrote that email.”
From this experience, he took away a pearl of wisdom.
“So, you know, be careful what you say. That is being kind to the other person, but, also, it’s more effective.”
A commitment to courtesy is beneficial for many reasons. One of those reflects a commonly held belief in the legal world: words carry weight. In short, they do things – and very powerful ones at that.
“As attorneys, we almost still have the sort of magical belief about words. In our profession, our words create legal relationships that have significance in and of themselves. That is really something unique.
“We believe as a precedent that if I say, ‘Will you mow my lawn for twenty dollars,’ and you say ‘Yes,’ we just created a contract. Our words did something really, really important. And if we’re willing to assign that weight to oral contracts, then why aren’t we thinking about if opposing counsel and I are on the phone, and we’re being jerks to each other, why aren’t we thinking about that type of thing?”
Whether communication is electronic, written, or verbal, each word can be a step towards an atmosphere of professional courtesy or a step away from it. The choice lies with the person who is speaking.
Thinking carefully about written and electronic communication is one realization Gibson has gleaned from his experience as an attorney. He encourages attorneys to think about what words can do, especially in day-to-day interactions because communication holds great power for advancing the profession.
Another practical way attorneys can incorporate courtesy into their daily lives is to observe the perceptions they have of other attorneys. This begins not by dwelling on what other people are doing, or what they think about him. Instead, Gibson looks at himself and examines his own thoughts.
“When opposing counsel is not courteous to me, it’s very easy for me to write the story in my head of, well, they’re not kind to me because they’re a bad person or because they’re a jerk, or whatever. We’re really good at that as attorneys – figuring out who is liable.
“But it’s important to press pause, to put my brain back in neutral and say, well, hold on. I’ve come up with this whole story based on maybe one interaction with this attorney. Maybe I don’t have all the information. Maybe there are other explanations for why this attorney is behaving this way.”
When an attorney is not courteous, Gibson says he has the potential to create an incorrect view about how the other attorney perceives him, which might lead to an incorrect perception of the other attorney. He finds that this is not ultimately productive thinking.
Another route that is not productive is to attribute someone else’s actions to himself.
“Maybe it’s not because I’m a terrible attorney. There’s always that sort of insecurity on my part that’s common for attorneys, too. Have I ruined everything? It is a surprising narrative – this is the end of everything, and I’m going to lose my law license. Realizing, hey, that is irrational fear talking, or that is an accusatory voice and coming up with narratives and recognizing, OK, this is a skill that I have, and I’m using it in this particular way. And there are other ways to use that.”
Stepping back to think about reality – both for oneself and others, as Gibson describes – might bring to mind David Foster Wallace’s advice on this topic in his famous commencement speech “This is Water.” There, he urges readers to consider the alternate stories that might be in play in someone’s life in everyday situations, such as when someone cuts a person off in traffic. As he says, thinking about reality matters because you never know what someone might be going through. It might be more difficult or painful than you realize.
Gibson’s suggestion to extend empathy to others, suspend one’s judgement, and be kind to oneself are all examples of what courtesy might look like in action. He says that in these moments where he stops and evaluates his thoughts, it is helpful for him to remember a tenet important to him, which is “judge not, lest you be judged” from Matthew 7:1.
Pausing to assess one’s perceptions can also shift the focus from a negative thought to a positive one.
“When I’m making a decision, and saying that an attorney is a bad person, I should be asking, ‘Is there relevant information that I do not have? Am I making an assumption here?’ If all of what I know is true, does it logically follow that this person is a bad person? Most of the time, that is not the case.
“I’ve tried really, really hard, you know, not to talk about the bad experiences I’ve had as an attorney, to not even tell those stories because I don’t think we need that as a profession, a ‘don’t be like this.’ I think we need encouragement for what we can be like – attorneys that we look at as an aspiration.”
This overall message reflects the beauty of mercy triumphing over judgment. And it is possible for others to make these choices.
“It really is an attitude. Once you have got the right attitude, I think things will follow.”
Sometimes the attitude involves flexibility, including adaptability with one’s calendar.
“I think sometimes we hold each other to what is really impossible, like ‘You can have this trial even though you had a murder trial the week before.’ It’s not the way I would want to be treated. For me, it’s like, if I were opposing counsel, how would I want someone to respond to this?”
For Gibson, the key question is, “How would I want someone to treat me?”
He says that while extending professional courtesy is one of his goals as an attorney, there are times when one may need to act in a firm manner. There are times to disagree, to create boundaries, and sometimes, to say no.
“At some point you’re going to have to fight. I’m a litigator, and that’s a part of it. If you act with courtesy, it helps the other person to understand what your bottom line is, too. I don’t want to get angry, but when I have that edge, you know when I say no, we’re not talking about that. This is not something I’m going to negotiate with you. You know that I’m not just blocking you because I haven’t made every last thing a fight.
“So when I do put up a fight, I hope the opposing counsel notices, and I’m fairly certain the court notices as well.”
Saying no is important, and so is deciding who to say yes to. One of the difficulties he mentions in the practice of law is finding time for pro bono work while also keeping in mind financial responsibilities.
It can be tough, he describes, to maintain a balance between both kinds of clients.
“I still haven’t completely figured out how you balance that. It’s sort of like work-life balance, but it’s kind of a subset of within work, like you’ve got to have paying clients. But I also don’t want to send away clients who really need help, but who I can’t help. Knowing my limits there – I think it’s tough.”
Keeping this in mind, that one’s fellow attorneys could be thinking about a variety of different challenges, is a part of creating an awareness of others. This mindset can be helpful in prioritizing courtesy.
Thinking about others is one way to cultivate this attentiveness, as is specifically looking at one’s own mental health and considering where others might be on that journey.
By exercising courtesy both inside and outside the courtroom, attorneys play a role in shaping their experience as a positive one. Gibson says this is important because it has a beneficial effect on mental health within the profession. Life situations and changes occur, and attorneys keep working throughout them.
Gibson recalls becoming a parent as one such significant change in his life.
In March of 2020, his first child was born, the same month the pandemic began. Since then, he has had a second child. Throughout these different life changes, he invested in taking time for wellness, and cultivating an understanding of how his mind works.
“The thing that’s done the most to me is just understanding myself psychologically, understanding my wife and my kids psychologically, and my older daughter who is three was just recently diagnosed with autism. That helps me understand what’s going on inside our heads. The more you understand who people are, the more you understand yourself, the more you’re going to be kind to other people.”
Kindness to self is perhaps one of the first steps one can take to greater empathy and understanding of others. Paying attention to what one focuses on is a component of this awareness – and specifically, shifting attention to what one is thankful for has many positive effects.
“This is one of the reasons why I’ve tried to call out like other people who do nice things. Because being an attorney, we notice what is wrong. It is a liability – how things can be better, rather than noticing how things are already good. That gratitude is so important. There are all sorts of mental health studies on taking time to notice things that are good in your life – doing that every day, it makes you less stressed. Attorneys have been taught to do exactly the opposite, to look for ‘here’s how that contract could be better’ or, ‘how can I find a hole in opposing counsel’s argument.’
“The class ranking system drives me nuts. I really, really, really wish they would not think of people in terms of ‘I am in the top 20 percent of my class,’ or ‘I’m in the bottom 20 percent in my class’ – that is a recipe for depression. If you want to know what correlates with mental unhealth, comparing yourself to other people constantly is one of the key drivers.”
While comparison can be hurtful, contemplating one’s mentors and their processes is helpful. In thinking about who inspires him, Gibson thinks back all the way to his childhood.
The kindness of another person made an impact on Gibson when he was young – and it was one of the factors that led him to think about pursuing law as a profession.
In 1997, Gibson emigrated from Australia to the United States with his family. He was six years old at the time. Moving to an unfamiliar place where he knew no one, Gibson felt outside of his comfort zone. Navigating life in a new country came with its share of difficulties and challenges, but he remembers meeting attorneys at a young age. Mark Martin, the former Chief Justice of North Carolina’s Supreme Court, was his family’s landlord when his family first moved to the United States. Martin helped his family understand American law and culture – including advice on what TV channels to avoid or where to go to church. Gibson’s current law partner, Skip Stam, meet with his parents for a consultation on a legal issue they were having:
“When I was thinking about wanting to become a lawyer, he gave my family a book on the basics of American law, on the American legal system. He has been great to know professionally. He’s known me since I was probably 10 years old, and he’s just been so encouraging and so interested in my profession, and in my career. There’s no tangible benefit for that.”
Later in life, Marty Miller, a family friend who just so happened to be an attorney, provided Gibson with an internship (his first job in law) after Gibson expressed an interest in law.
Another person who has made a difference in shaping his idea of professional courtesy is Bryan Scott, who practices in Wilmington.
“He would always stay candid with opposing counsel. I remember at one point, we were in some sort of mediation or settlement negotiation, and opposing counsel had made up a whole bunch of fluff. We got out of the room, and he said, ‘Yeah, he’s just saying that for his client. I wouldn’t take that too seriously.’ And that’s just kind of how he does things. I couldn’t see Bryan getting mad at someone. It would take a lot.”
Gibson says Stam has also taught him by example, as his other mentors have.
“There’s sort of an attitude and the demeanor that they have, where law is an important thing. But it’s not the most important thing. It is not where he gets who he is as a person.”
Like his mentors, Gibson hopes to lead by example. He wants to prompt others to think about what courtesy means, and to put this into action.
His example is one we can all learn from.
Jessica Junqueira is communications manager for the North Carolina Bar Association.